screaming woman
This isn't a picture of me. But this is how I felt.

On Monday night, I had a meltdown. The kind with tears and incoherent speech. Yes. I had reached the tipping point. The stress of everything bore down on me and to top it off – I was more aware than ever that I was going to be graduating. The truth is – I’m scared. I’m afraid of what’s going to happen. For the past four years, I knew my direction. I knew exactly what I was supposed to be doing, and next year, that’ll be no different. I’ll be finishing my master’s degree. But what then? What’s the next step? Where am I supposed to go? What am I supposed to do? Like all people my age, I think about these things, and from time to time, they really get to me. Sure, most people see me as level headed and in control – but that’s not always the case. I have limits, just like everyone else. Which brings me to what I  decided to write about: challenges.

Whether you like it or not, you’ll be faced with challenges. You’ll encounter times when you’re scared out of your mind and have no idea what to do. You’ll be faced with unrealistic expectations that you’re expected to deliver on. You’ll be faced with changing jobs and career paths and relationships. You’ll be faced with a whole lot of change in your life – it’s just inevitable. What matters though is what you do with those changes.

If you choose to try to fight it, you’ll get nowhere. If you let yourself be dominated by the change, you’ll also get nowhere. The oh-so-delicate balance of resisting and going along with change is difficult to manage, but when done well, you create the changes. You create the possibilities. You give yourself a chance to just be and adapt and move forward. This isn’t always easy. Usually, there’s a process to it. You start out in shock. Then you resist. Then you bargain with yourself or reason. Then you start to muster up courage. Then you do it. And it’s done. And now it’s time to see the effects of your decision. Sometimes you make the right ones. Other times, you don’t. But either way, you have to recognize that you had the strength and the courage to make that decision and you did it because you thought it was right.

Now to make myself practice what I preach…

3 Responses

  1. Mandy,

    I know exactly what you are going through. I faced the same challenges about a year ago. The only advice I have for you is to stick to your strengths and have confidence in the skills you have mastered at Marywood.

  2. Hey tiger I am so proud of you! You are doing a great job I wish there were more young women who had the courage to speak up. It’s not an easy thing to do… say I am scared. Sure I have been there and between you and I and everyone reading this blog there are still times I am terrified. Can I do this? I am in over my head? But, I have learned to trust myself or at least the voice inside me that says you can. An old Italian proverb mama used to say “After the game, the king and the pawn go into the same box.”

  3. It’s cleansing to let the stress out. If you try to hold it all in, it will only depress you and make you ill. I’m in favor of primal screams or a good, old fashioned cry. You will do whatever you want to do when the time comes. As long as you are happy in your soul, you will be good at what you do.

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