To the Person Who Invented Time:

You may be wondering why I would attempt bothering such an important person such as yourself, after all, you’re running on an endless schedule. Despite the fact that you may lack the time (ironic) to contact me, I felt that it would be in the best interests of human kind to do so.

I’m writing you to ask why you put such limitations on potential by imposing numbers and figures, seconds and minutes, and measurements of a lifetime. In addition to an explanation for this behavior, I also have several grievances that I’d like to address. Should they be ignored, the effects will be devastating.

Grievance 1: Weekends

According to the American Institute of Stress, the average American work week is 47 hours (1999), with 20 percent of that same group working 49 hours per week. That’s not even counting those people who have two jobs, are students, or decide that they want to be a team player and stay late frequently.

Only 28.5% of our week spent relaxing. Why so little? Wouldn’t it be more fair and beneficial to raise that ratio to something closer to, hmm, I don’t know, maybe 50%? After all – fair is fair. Not to mention, the implications of having so little time to relax is sure to impact the overall well being of the human race over time. Eventually, life support systems will have to be instituted in order to allow for all tasks to be completed in a timely fashion without the loss of human life.

Grievance 2: Hours in a Day

According to a study conducted at the Sleep and Chronophysiology Lab at Michigan in 1980, college students reported an average of 7 1/2 hours of sleep per night. In 2000, the same study reported college students receiving an average of 6.9 hours of sleep per night. Today, the average college student sleeps somewhere in the range of five to seven hours a day, according to the National Sleep Foundation. I can only imagine what it’ll be like in five years from now, seeing that I already know quite a few people who make it a habit to run on 4 hours.

As a college student, I understand the stresses that university education imposes, however, I also feel that it is highly unfair that there are only 24 hours in the day. To satisfy the academic requirements of a college education while still having time to eat, sleep, and pee, I suggest that the day be extended to 28 hours as a more reasonable alternative.

Grievance 3: Aging

The sagging, the peeling, the bending and breaking – sounds like a vegetable right? Well, because of your actions, human beings have become susceptible to the dangers aging, which will eventually reduce us to vegetable-like creatures.

As peptide bonds within my skin break down, my epidermis will begin to sag to the point where I become disgusting to others. That’s not even counting the millions of other people in my generation who will suffer the same effects. Fear, panic, and vomit will run rampant in the streets as people are forced to look at our poor, broken bodies that sit quietly in an armchair watching reruns of Jeopardy. I recommend that the practice of aging be abolished to rid the world of the impending widespread panic caused by geriatric take over.

I understand that you are busy, and may have a lot of matters to attend to. However, I feel that it is most important that my grievances be addressed. Please contact me at your earliest convenience so that I may give you a swift kick in the ass and say, “Thank you for making my life so stressful.”

Sincerely,

Mandy Boyle

***NOTE: This letter is satirical and I have no intention of writing to the person whom invented time. This post is meant entirely for amusement and should be taken with a grain of salt – though some may say I have a point.